Tag Archives: breakups

Love

What The Heart Wants…

I am a “feelings” person but I am also a thinker. This in turn has allotted many hours to ponder my precious emotions, behavior and thoughts. In short; I am my very own social psychologist…. all day, every day.

I think it’s important to explore possibilities and opportunities out of your personal comfort zone beyond trading Uggs for a pair of 4 inch stilettos.  What I am talking about is not immediately writing people off …however hindsight is 20/20 and then there is always the self-fulfilling prophecy theory but I digress.

I met a man who preached about the difference between entertaining goals and crushing them being the WANT. If someone truly WANTS some -thing,one, or whatever “it” may be, there will be a clear distinction between those that sorta think they might wish-washy mouth breather…you get what I am saying.

I believe this to be true in every aspect of life, even in the most ambiguous of desires i.e. dating.

Dating or the beginning of a relationship is representative of all that is great and risky in the world.  It truly becomes a combination of your immediate actions, in-actions, reactions, and responses to another person while analyzing whether or not they line up with what it is you desire in your life. Sometimes we can become so consumed with the idea of being with someone that rather than looking at who they are, we tend to try to make this person change into what we we need.

It’s like buying a boat expecting it to mow your lawn. Are we really so lonely and uncomfortable with ourselves that we will settle for a warm body to argue with rather than waiting for something that feels more like home?

So while the mental checklist of tangible prerequisites is on the table I think the more important exploration should be what we really want. And that takes some serious soul searching….

You should know what you WANT, not be scared to ask for it and have the courage to walk away from whatever isn’t suiting.

I wrote awhile back about wanting myself before wanting another and I promise this has not changed. I think I am pretty fucking amazing and I should be celebrated.

So what I’m getting at is …

If you want something and that something is a someone, you:

Pursue

Learn

Communicate

Show appreciation

Become transparent

Put their needs first

Compromise

And if you are doing these things and only left to feel depleted….LEAVE.

Don’t waste one moment more trying to set sail on a lawn mower.  Be your own sail boat and eventually another will pull up aside you to sail together.

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Love

When the Ball Drops…

We broke up. I took my own advice; gave it over 2 months of no contact. We reconnected and I should have known better to think that we were headed anywhere but disaster.

A fancy little resort room in Coronado. A great dinner and magical conversation followed by a serenade of country songs.  And despite how amazing it was I couldn’t ignore my gut.

And then the gig was up; the same man that had inflicted guilt for premarital sex, religiously for over 2 years had been simultaneously lying to me for over 2 years.

I have never claimed to be a saint and have had my fair share of blameworthy events throughout this whirlwind of a life I have lived. I have however reached a point in my life that integrity is worth more than gold. It’s not just a good idea or something to cherish only when it benefits you. Integrity is something that can change the course of a life. When you refuse to be honest, you lie to yourself and you manipulate others.

I want love and respect that is free flowing, not bought with bullshit wrapped up in fancy bows.

It can be a very difficult task to realize that the person lying is flawed and that your inability to see through the insane bullshit doesn’t make you an idiot. Lying on a hotel bathroom floor, crying and puking over the thought that you have been made a fool is a pretty sobering moment. I take these things into consideration now as I have lightly ventured back into the dating world. If i’m not who I should be, I’m not seeking people to validate the void in my character.

And this isn’t just for romantic relationships….integrity is a lifestyle. It should be applied to everything you do.

There’s a number of reasons people lie or manipulate others. The most obvious is because they’re fucking cowards. They brew over the worst possible consequence of telling the truth and can’t fathom living in that reality. They tightly grasp at the idea that denial is their ally. These people are insecure, weak-minded and selfish.  I know because I have been that person before and I think we all have dabbled in spinning stories to “save our ass.”

Then there are those people who claim to want to protect someone’s feelings….

Here’s an idea: Be the person you want to be. If you want to be viewed as an honest, caring, forgiving person then fucking be it. It’s easy to lie and manipulate. It’s easy to make excuses for awful behavior. It is not easy to be honest but it makes for an easy nights sleep.

We all fuck up from time to time but the first step to any recovery is admitting to the problem. And I think I have more respect for those who make mistakes and own up to them. Having not an ounce of remorse is a lack of character in my book…even worse is blaming people for your inability to be a decent human being.

In the past I used the term “brutal honesty” but I now know the only thing brutal is the lies we feed one another.

I have every reason to be an asshole and treat people the way I have been treated but that just isn’t me. I rather walk a lonely road of honest solitude than be surrounded by people who are manipulated into appreciating what I’m pretending to be. Been there, done that is a scar of compassion for my fellow man. Pretending to be perfect makes you useless in the development of others let alone yourself.

So as we close out this year and make commitments to ourselves for better brighter futures, I highly suggest making a promise to be honest. I can only hope that’s what you’ll be doing when the ball drops….

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Uncategorized

These Boots Were Made For…5 Steps.

Life has a way of throwing Molotov cocktails straight at our faces, but sometimes it’s not the unprecedented, like failing health, death or a lay off. Most of the time, it just so happens we are refusing to remove ourselves from relationships that resemble a line of fire. We much rather stay put and desperately try to duck, yell, pray, and convince that firebomb it should cease fire because honestly we don’t deserve to be the target of a fire storm. Here’s an idea: How about picking up your feet and changing your position or perspective?

5 simple steps to get through a breakup #uncaged.

1. Get Real-

Stop placing more value on the lives around you than your own. If the other person was so great, you wouldn’t feel like petrified dog shit sitting on the couch across from them. Are you holding back from things you like in order to compromise? Yeah… stop that. How much is the other person sacrificing or making an effort? Exactly. Now put your feet flat on the ground and get real.

2. Remove and replace-

Cut all ties (if legitimately possible). If you are looking for excuses to keep in contact you will find a new one everyday until the day you die. Remove all photos, delete social media connections, emails, texts, and phone numbers. If there’s hope for the future (you’re probably lying to yourself) you can start fresh, Ms. or Mr. Still (in) Denial. Give yourself 60 Days no contact. In that time you can clear your head and replace the time you were agonizing over trying to make things better with healthy activities. Go back to the gym, stick your head in a book, ride your bike, etc. Write a list of things YOU want to do and GO DO THEM. Spiteful? Write a list of the things they didn’t want to do and go do them, by yourself.

3. Solicit support-

You can’t do this on your own. Start praying or meditating. Ask your friends to invite you out and to check on you. Admitting that you’re in a weird transition period is part of getting real. Allow yourself to go out, meet new people and enjoy YOUR life. This is YOUR life by the way.

4. Enlist some discipline-

Set goals. Write them down. Create a plan. Announce your goals. Ask your friends to keep you accountable (if they let you slip, get new friends). Get moving. Nobody can live your life for you. A marathon isn’t completed without that first step.  Do this right MEOW. Okay? Good.

5. Take blame and analyze your fault-

You, yes YOU are NOT perfect. Whether you’re the jerk face or the person the jerk face happened to or maybe neither of you were jerk faces (highly unlikely) and it just didn’t mesh well, learn something about yourself. What behavior did you allow to cross a boundary? What red flags did you ignore? What part of the break down was your fault? Examine it. Own it. And fail to repeat it once you are ready to date again. Don’t take ALL the blame. Be sure to examine their faults too and look out for those characteristics in the future.

 

The steps are simple but not painless. Consider it growing pains. Life is too short, beautiful, and pretty damn amazing at times to allow yourself to do anything other than experience it all. Stop caging yourself in a situation that eats your soul. Become the person you want to be with, because honestly, you will be in your own company for life.

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