Tag Archives: lifehack

Love

When the Ball Drops…

We broke up. I took my own advice; gave it over 2 months of no contact. We reconnected and I should have known better to think that we were headed anywhere but disaster.

A fancy little resort room in Coronado. A great dinner and magical conversation followed by a serenade of country songs.  And despite how amazing it was I couldn’t ignore my gut.

And then the gig was up; the same man that had inflicted guilt for premarital sex, religiously for over 2 years had been simultaneously lying to me for over 2 years.

I have never claimed to be a saint and have had my fair share of blameworthy events throughout this whirlwind of a life I have lived. I have however reached a point in my life that integrity is worth more than gold. It’s not just a good idea or something to cherish only when it benefits you. Integrity is something that can change the course of a life. When you refuse to be honest, you lie to yourself and you manipulate others.

I want love and respect that is free flowing, not bought with bullshit wrapped up in fancy bows.

It can be a very difficult task to realize that the person lying is flawed and that your inability to see through the insane bullshit doesn’t make you an idiot. Lying on a hotel bathroom floor, crying and puking over the thought that you have been made a fool is a pretty sobering moment. I take these things into consideration now as I have lightly ventured back into the dating world. If i’m not who I should be, I’m not seeking people to validate the void in my character.

And this isn’t just for romantic relationships….integrity is a lifestyle. It should be applied to everything you do.

There’s a number of reasons people lie or manipulate others. The most obvious is because they’re fucking cowards. They brew over the worst possible consequence of telling the truth and can’t fathom living in that reality. They tightly grasp at the idea that denial is their ally. These people are insecure, weak-minded and selfish.  I know because I have been that person before and I think we all have dabbled in spinning stories to “save our ass.”

Then there are those people who claim to want to protect someone’s feelings….

Here’s an idea: Be the person you want to be. If you want to be viewed as an honest, caring, forgiving person then fucking be it. It’s easy to lie and manipulate. It’s easy to make excuses for awful behavior. It is not easy to be honest but it makes for an easy nights sleep.

We all fuck up from time to time but the first step to any recovery is admitting to the problem. And I think I have more respect for those who make mistakes and own up to them. Having not an ounce of remorse is a lack of character in my book…even worse is blaming people for your inability to be a decent human being.

In the past I used the term “brutal honesty” but I now know the only thing brutal is the lies we feed one another.

I have every reason to be an asshole and treat people the way I have been treated but that just isn’t me. I rather walk a lonely road of honest solitude than be surrounded by people who are manipulated into appreciating what I’m pretending to be. Been there, done that is a scar of compassion for my fellow man. Pretending to be perfect makes you useless in the development of others let alone yourself.

So as we close out this year and make commitments to ourselves for better brighter futures, I highly suggest making a promise to be honest. I can only hope that’s what you’ll be doing when the ball drops….

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Love

The Love of a Lifetime

We create lists of desired qualities that an imaginary person must have in order to complete our incompleteness. Filling the ever present but secretly hidden void in our life seems so far out of reach until this person or “the one” magically appears in our lives. We fail to realize in the midst of designing this perfect little fallacy of hope, is that most of us are actually ignoring the void in our qualities.

Self-improvement, personal fulfillment, and love of oneself have all sounded like a hippie manifesto created in cloud of pot smoke and written on patchouli scented LSD paper. In simpler words, it was something that sounded like an adult Disney fairy tale when in reality most of us are living with the belief that Disney is reality. That if we wash enough floors, and deal with enough dwarfs that one day a 6 pack packing, gun wielding, financially secure Alpha Male Prince will pay off our credit cards, gift us a shiny new beamer and want to play with our snotty nosed nieces and nephews.  He or she of course will be someone better than we could ever be, they will inherently be someone more patient, more organized, more successful and completely infatuated with how great we are aside from not being remotely as put together as the fulfilled prerequisites of said prince.

All too often we cast unrealistic expectations on others. We absolutely should not hold someone to a higher standard than ourselves but we do over and over again. This is a form of self-sabotage in its own right, not to mention the effects it has on its victims; our siblings, friends, significant others and even our own children. We believe that if we love and guide someone enough they will meet and exceed our expectations (of what we wish we could be and) of what their life should be. And in doing this, we often forget that we more than likely have a history of telling those who have pressured us to live our lives a certain way to get fucked. So while we sit back and tell people to pound sand because they’re not good enough, and live our mediocre existence ignoring the qualities we should improve on or possess, while waiting on someone who will make our lives so much more valuable, it’s about time we eat fruit from the hippie tree.  I have found myself in this exact mind fuckery of a situation and have found either I am not enough for someone or someone is not enough for me.  More than a couple times I’ve decided to examine what exactly it is that I want and after 32 years of walking my path by digging holes, throwing tantrums, making awful wrong turns and a few U-turns in succession, I think I now have somewhat of a grasp on what I want at least for the time it takes me to write this.

I don’t want perfect. I don’t want to be perfect and I don’t want it in someone else. That would take up too much of the short time we have on this planet and be entirely boring. I want to wake up with yesterday’s mascara creeping down my face, throw on a hat to meet a friend for an honest conversation and a great cup of coffee. It’s been these days that the conversations have revealed that no one has anything more figured out than anyone else. Everyone is struggling and there is beauty in being honest about that. I want honesty.

I want to discover places that have existed in the shadows of the new and trendy. I want to fall in love with the color of a mailbox on a dirt road and hidden dive bar’s cheeseburger. I want to laugh loudly first thing in the morning. I want genuine strong hugs that if had to be translated on a sticky note would read “you are beyond appreciated.”  I want to be surrounded by encouraging words. Words that say stop defeating yourself, you know you can do it.  Immersed in a community of loving hearts. Hearts that ask how are you with authentic concern and refrain from judgment because we have all been shitty or in shitty places. I want to be kissed. I want to be kissed with the intention of receiving life, as if kissing my lips were to gain the last breath of air in the universe.

I want car rides with loud music drowned out by louder off key voices singing a mash up of the words. I want classic rock, beach cruiser rides through the neighborhood, friends that gather to conquer fears and the world together. I want to run wild, sweat, dance and laugh. I want to talk about my dreams, set goals and kill them and I want you to do the same.

I want to be told that I’m beautiful for the way that I think and because my eyes are a weird blue. I want to be appreciated for what you can’t understand and for the way I have hurdled obstacles in life. I want to be told that I am needed, not out of convenience, but because I am someone who adds love and inspiration to the lives of others.

I want a walk through the door, rip off your clothes, I can survive without you but I surely don’t want to, kind of love.

I want flowers because they continue to live despite being ripped from the earth and tossed in water, and you understand that I clearly see the depth of all that. I want to be told a secret not because I am trustworthy, though I certainly am, but because I understand the importance of sharing something so personal and sacred. I want to dance barefoot in the kitchen wearing your over-sized T-shirt, singing the songs your mom sang to you as kid. I want to be grabbed from behind while chopping ingredients for your favorite chili and hear the whisper of “fuck, I love you so much.” I want to be told that my existence has rocked your world and has made you see the world and love so differently.

I want passionate eye contact, intentional hand holding, and to feel your sensitivity towards me while you caress my forehead. I want a love and bond that is impenetrable despite the wicked world around us.

I want space for me to give myself to others. People need me as much as they need you and keeping each other from giving friendships is an insult to our lives. I want to cheer you on from the sidelines because our paths are our own. I want to look out together and you see God speaking to you with an angel in the clouds and I see a miracle of another ocean sunset and appreciate both views.

I want you to want to want me but first I must want myself and you, yourself.

And I know every day isn’t a magical place but I know a little magic exists in each day. I have found that of all the things I truly desire, it is myself. I want to be the person that lives this life not merely survives it. And I will not wait for someone before I do. What I really want is me. Not a better or perfect version, I just want someone who loves like I do. I am and will continue to become the person that I love. I don’t have to wait for someone to give me flowers to feel depth or to kiss me for a taste of life. I will live my life excited knowing that I have a love that I want, I am the person I want and need. And in not wanting anything but me, if you do come along I won’t get lost in your expectations and you won’t in mine.  In all of my searches the greatest thing I have ever found was me and I refuse to lose her.

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Uncategorized

These Boots Were Made For…5 Steps.

Life has a way of throwing Molotov cocktails straight at our faces, but sometimes it’s not the unprecedented, like failing health, death or a lay off. Most of the time, it just so happens we are refusing to remove ourselves from relationships that resemble a line of fire. We much rather stay put and desperately try to duck, yell, pray, and convince that firebomb it should cease fire because honestly we don’t deserve to be the target of a fire storm. Here’s an idea: How about picking up your feet and changing your position or perspective?

5 simple steps to get through a breakup #uncaged.

1. Get Real-

Stop placing more value on the lives around you than your own. If the other person was so great, you wouldn’t feel like petrified dog shit sitting on the couch across from them. Are you holding back from things you like in order to compromise? Yeah… stop that. How much is the other person sacrificing or making an effort? Exactly. Now put your feet flat on the ground and get real.

2. Remove and replace-

Cut all ties (if legitimately possible). If you are looking for excuses to keep in contact you will find a new one everyday until the day you die. Remove all photos, delete social media connections, emails, texts, and phone numbers. If there’s hope for the future (you’re probably lying to yourself) you can start fresh, Ms. or Mr. Still (in) Denial. Give yourself 60 Days no contact. In that time you can clear your head and replace the time you were agonizing over trying to make things better with healthy activities. Go back to the gym, stick your head in a book, ride your bike, etc. Write a list of things YOU want to do and GO DO THEM. Spiteful? Write a list of the things they didn’t want to do and go do them, by yourself.

3. Solicit support-

You can’t do this on your own. Start praying or meditating. Ask your friends to invite you out and to check on you. Admitting that you’re in a weird transition period is part of getting real. Allow yourself to go out, meet new people and enjoy YOUR life. This is YOUR life by the way.

4. Enlist some discipline-

Set goals. Write them down. Create a plan. Announce your goals. Ask your friends to keep you accountable (if they let you slip, get new friends). Get moving. Nobody can live your life for you. A marathon isn’t completed without that first step.  Do this right MEOW. Okay? Good.

5. Take blame and analyze your fault-

You, yes YOU are NOT perfect. Whether you’re the jerk face or the person the jerk face happened to or maybe neither of you were jerk faces (highly unlikely) and it just didn’t mesh well, learn something about yourself. What behavior did you allow to cross a boundary? What red flags did you ignore? What part of the break down was your fault? Examine it. Own it. And fail to repeat it once you are ready to date again. Don’t take ALL the blame. Be sure to examine their faults too and look out for those characteristics in the future.

 

The steps are simple but not painless. Consider it growing pains. Life is too short, beautiful, and pretty damn amazing at times to allow yourself to do anything other than experience it all. Stop caging yourself in a situation that eats your soul. Become the person you want to be with, because honestly, you will be in your own company for life.

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Uncategorized

It Is What It Is

Anything I have ever accomplished that has set my internal fire aflame, I can accredit at least one person who said I shouldn’t, couldn’t or disapproved. The best decision I ever made was doing it anyway. I will never apologize for who I am, what I desire, and the manner in which I have reached my goals. I will only surround myself with people who believe in me, but most importantly I believe in me. The world already has two strikes against anyone, anyhow. We all are amazing, beautiful and incredibly talented human beings but too many of us have a life mantra of ” I better not” or “I cant” when it should be “I will.”

Uncaged is a community of freethinkers, athletes, creators, doers, artists, refusing to take residence inside the socially constructed box. Encouragement and support rooted in the communal belief that being true to yourself is a gift to the universe. 

Accept no excuse, no bullshit, no sob story, and definitely be void of laundry lists of reason why you cant. 

Stop letting others tell you who and what you should be.  The only thing acceptable is the encouragement to do and be a better you. Anything else is clutter in your life.

My intent is simple: Free yourself from the cage. A better you, a better me, a better universe. 

So whatever it is that you are afraid to do, no matter how difficult or unattainable it may seem, welcome to the tent-free circus encouraging you to get your show on the road.

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Uncategorized

That Dirty Word….

I’ve heard the term before and I thought I knew what it meant. I was for certain I was in no way, shape or form, a representation of it. And then I found myself in the library with my shiny new library card. Books of all shapes and sizes. I was drawn to the book sale area and that word stared right at me. CODEPENDENT. Since I have currently found myself awakened out of a slumber of recent trivial denial, I decided to thumb through the book to the page listing the characteristics of codependency (to confirm I was far from the definition) and much to my surprise all that was missing was my picture.

How do you know if you’re codependent? And how do you fix it?

“If concern has turned into obsession; if compassion has turned into care-taking; if you are taking care of other people but not yourself—you may be in trouble with codependency” (Beattie, p. 53).

“Recovery is not only fun, it is simple. It is not always easy but it is simple. It is based on the premise many of us have forgotten or never learned: Each person is responsible for him- or herself. It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to: taking care of ourselves” (Beattie, p. 54).

 

The book is awesome. I highly suggest it.

Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more: how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Center City: Hazelden. (Original work published 1987)

 

No time for the book?

Check this link out: http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Are-Codependent

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